People Who

1. People who buy you a drink (or dinner, or whatever) and then remind you of the fact that you owe them shortly thereafter, probably just before you were about to return the favor.

Come on, at least give me the chance first. Getting reminded of it feels like you sent my secretary an invoice for tax purposes. It cheapens the entire gesture and makes you look like a selfish tool. If it has been like a month, then sure, by all means, remind me.

2. People in cars who intentionally splash walkers and bikers during rainy weather.

You know who you are. You're all going to hell. Seriously. It's about as funny as a punch in the face, which I'll give you the next time I see you.

3. People who say "I'm gonna let you go now" on the phone.

This is such a conveniently simple way to politely condescend; it conveys the perfect mixture of "my time has become too valuable for you" and "I'm trying to come off as humble but I'm actually quite conceited". Anytime I'm told this, I immediately say "I'm gonna let you go." Take that.

If you don't get the condescension that is inherent in this statement, you're probably one of the people who say it.

4. People who say "oh, you didn't want any, did you?"

This is the worst! It's practically synonymous with "this is really good, but I do not want you to have any, because I'm too greedy." It's bad enough to not even offer, but this is even more offensive. Maybe it's the Hobbit within me, but I believe in hospitality between friends. When you stop by to hang with me for a bit at my place, you can feel entitled to more or less anything in the pantry, what little there may be, and there may be very little, like right now; I hope you like oatmeal.

5. People who slow clap when an employee at a restaurant or bar drops and breaks a dish or glass.

As if the poor individual weren't already embarrassed enough! Who elected this person Almighty Destroyer of Souls? If you have a keen eye, you will notice that this douchebag never claps as such when the malady occurs within sight; it's only in the relative safety of anonymity from across the room that he (or she) feels completely free to express his (or her) inner bastard.