Can I Get a Witness?

This evening I was at Locals Only with a few friends. Upon arriving, one of them immediately noticed the collection of art displayed on the wall that was for sale. He commented that he really liked them and appreciated their cartoony quirks. I agreed that they were pretty cool. He mentioned the one that he liked the most, coincidentally the biggest one of the bunch.

He spent the evening debating with himself about whether he should buy a piece. He questioned aloud what we thought the prices would be for original art. I said I had no idea. He asked if they would take card or cash. I said I have no idea. He asked if he bought it, if we thought he could just take it home tonight. I said I have no idea. He did a brief survey of the area and reported back on some of the prices. He declared that the one he wanted was $100; he thought that was a bit too steep.

A bit later he informed me that a smaller piece that resembled it but was in no way as cool was only $50. He said he thought he'd just get that one. He disappeared and returned in a bit with a piece of paper declaring him the proud new owner, and he said that he was supposed to just take it with him when he left.

I asked him why he didn't buy the one he wanted. He said the price was just too much. I told him that he's buying a piece of original, hand-made art that he won't find anywhere else; and he's going to settle for one other than the one that he wanted? He repeated that $100 was just too much for him. I said that he is doing just fine money-wise (he is gainfully employed, more than I can say for myself), and that for him spending $50 or $100 on this art was not a drastic difference when it came to pleasing his aesthetic sense. I said that days, weeks, months, years from now, he won't regret spending the money. He'll be happy that he bought the art that he wanted. I urged him to do exactly what his heart was tellling him; he knew which piece he wanted, but he was going to deny himself of it entirely. I told him that a very powerful thing I had learned over the past year or so was to follow your god damn heart when you should, and to do what you know is right without questioning it. He wanted that art the moment he saw it, and it should not be otherwise.

This went on for several minutes. He said he didn't know if he could since he had already bought the one. I told him there's no way he can't just walk up and say "here's more money, please and thank you". His will was cracking. He was beginning to listen to the voice inside him telling him what he wanted. He begrudgingly agreed to go try, saying "if it'll make you happy." I shouted "no, it will make you happy! That's the whole point!"

He disappeared and came back a few minutes later with a grin on his face and a piece of paper declaring him the proud new owner of the one he fell in love with at first sight. I could tell that he was secretly and very truly, somewhere deep down beyond the reaches of the rational and intellectual recesses of his brain, happy. And those of us who were with him were happy to see him happy! He thanked me for helping him to realize what he should do. I'm glad I did. And I'm glad he did. It was awesome getting him to the point at which he would allow himself to pursue that which would bring him such great happiness.

This is an April Fools' Day joke

This entire post is a joke; it is being written in observation of April Fools' Day. Do not believe anything contained within.

Today is April 1, the day of merry pranks and jokes. To that end, I am posting this in the hopes of catching some of you unawares. A portion of you will read this and know that it is all a prank; you will have likely also read pranks and jokes on other websites. But chances are high that a majority of you will read through this entire post and not realize the irony or humor contained within, and you may even tell a few friends about it before you realize the error of your ways. At that point, you may feel slightly embarrassed. Don't worry, it's all in the nature of the joke.

I can't take all the credit for catching you unawares. I had ample help preparing for this deception. Several of my closest friends were indispensable in the labyrinthine planning stages of this elaborate spoof. We spent hours going over the details, and now that you have been sufficiently taken for a ride, I can safely admit their involvement. If some of you feel cheated or deceived, please take your frustrations out on me and not them, as they were kept mostly in the dark about the eventual purpose of their machinations.

To those who may suppose that posting such a farcical tale of whimsy as this would perhaps discredit future writings of a more serious nature, you need not worry. I assure you that this preposterous and comedic anecdote is the only one of its kind.

The Dark Knight

I suspect we've all made this joke at one point or another in our lives.



The Dark Knight

Downtown

I know a man by the name of Casey Brown. He's an English major at IU. Maybe he should change his major to art. Judge for yourself:



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Corollary #1

For years uncounted, scientists have pondered the many mysteries of the vast universe in which we live. From simple origins to complex geometry, no caveat has gone overlooked in the neverending quest for knowledge. In light of my previous post, in which I described to the reader the supra-intellectual state one may achieve upon thorough understanding and absorption of Drew's Universal Theory of Relativity, I now present a practical application of said theorem: a true to life vector imaging spectral analysis of the geometric makeup of the galaxy at large. In an attempt to communicate in the most basic terms what is essentially an incredibly complex subject, a simplified model has been employed.




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It is not yet known how this newly accepted model will integrate with pre-existing theories regarding higher level string theory and interdimensional wormhole function.

Mathematics a la mode

Several years ago, I made a startling discovery. There it was, resting before my eyes, waiting like fruit, succulent and ripe, to be plucked from the boughs above: a simple, elegant mathematical equation. So elementary and yet so deceptively complex was its composition that to know it and understand it placed my mind in a state of awareness, which was to my previous state as the waking state is to the dreaming state. It is presented in its original form with no alterations.




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Please update all textbooks accordingly.

Artistic visionary

I once went to high school with a man by the name of Brian Berg. Everyone just calls him Bergy. Bergy is probably the funniest guy I have ever known, and here's why: he will often begin to speak without first considering his words as an entire sentence.¹ This has led to some of the funniest things I have ever heard uttered by another human being. I offer the following as testament to this fact:

"I'm hungry. Such as five cheeseburgers."

"I should cut off my arm and sell it to the British army."

"I coulda did it but I didn't did it."

"Okay, back to me having now to go up there."

"We have a guy lunch lady today.

In addition to the spoken word, Bergy is a refined master of the visual arts. I present two samples of his lunchtime napkin explorations (click for full size):

The Bunny


The Embodiment of Evil

These artifacts have survived four years in the murky depths of my wallet and have remained relatively intact. This is nothing short of a miracle, as it is common knowledge that high school cafeteria napkins are considerably less than high grade stock. The third sample, Captain Inertia, has been lost for several years now and will probably never surface again. Here now can we reflect upon these great works until the end of time, where in the digital realm they will persevere unscathed by nature's cruel torment of friction and moisture.

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¹ Bergy is actually a very smart guy. He is an accounting major at Ball State University and he will own anyone in poker or lacrosse.