It has recently come to my attention that a great multitude of people, friends inclusive, have never heard this timeless tale told in full. I now present the entire story of the bat, as it was recorded in the days of old, with a few minor edits for clarity.
How the Entire World Was Saved In The Span of 15 Minutes
1. Of the Coming of The Beast
This is the tale of how a peaceful, rocking household was once disrupted by the most malicious and evil of all creatures. It begins as a summer day is drawing to a close, when the air is yet warm and thick. The heroes of our story are those of the band Jonas, though you will come to know them by name.
In the beginning, there was Greg, who dwelt in his private bedchambers in the Realm of Jonas. Ere he slept, he was troubled by an unseen spectre in the cloudiness of that which rocking guitar players dream of. Startled, he awoke in a sweat, and made his way clumsily in the dark, for he purposed to relieve himself in his gilded washroom.
But he did not wholly come to his destination, for along his path he descried from afar the flutterings of a winged creature of foul design. Quickly it darted to and fro, hither and thither, this way and that. Then it seemed to Greg that this creature was not like to anything he had thus seen in his realm:
Black as night it was, and colder still; its eyes were diminutive lamps, far off in the murky dusk. Swiftly it moved across the kitchen, for that is where it had been making its hiding, and perched confidently upon the water tap, and the gleaming silver was cast in a deepening twilight.
Cautiously, Greg moved closer to investigate the unwanted visitor. At this the beast reared its ugly shape and called out in a manner of song most unpleasant to those within earshot. Thus with great speed Greg passed out of that domain and sought the help of friend and ally.
In the beginning, there was Greg, who dwelt in his private bedchambers in the Realm of Jonas. Ere he slept, he was troubled by an unseen spectre in the cloudiness of that which rocking guitar players dream of. Startled, he awoke in a sweat, and made his way clumsily in the dark, for he purposed to relieve himself in his gilded washroom.
But he did not wholly come to his destination, for along his path he descried from afar the flutterings of a winged creature of foul design. Quickly it darted to and fro, hither and thither, this way and that. Then it seemed to Greg that this creature was not like to anything he had thus seen in his realm:
Black as night it was, and colder still; its eyes were diminutive lamps, far off in the murky dusk. Swiftly it moved across the kitchen, for that is where it had been making its hiding, and perched confidently upon the water tap, and the gleaming silver was cast in a deepening twilight.
Cautiously, Greg moved closer to investigate the unwanted visitor. At this the beast reared its ugly shape and called out in a manner of song most unpleasant to those within earshot. Thus with great speed Greg passed out of that domain and sought the help of friend and ally.
2. Of the Mustering of Men
Far off in another land, the lore of which this tale does not concern, Drew rested upon his mighty throne and there sat, as one in thought, and did not move for many an hour. An open book lay upon his lap and, but for the gleam in his eye, he could have been mistaken for one who had fallen unwittingly to slumber. But he was not asleep, and he heard far off cries as of one in dire need of service, for hearty was the voice of Greg, and far did it travel in time of need.
Now with great haste he went to meet his ally of old at the entry of his realm. It seemed to Drew that Greg was clothed in a shadow of himself, stricken with madness at the sight of some horror unknown. Thus spoke Greg:
"Holy shit," said he, "there is a bat in the kitchen."
And Drew was troubled. Long he thought and spoke not a word, and ere the sun retired beyond the western horizon he broke his silence. "Let's get Dan!" he cried, and swiftly they rode beyond the wooded hills to the very ends of the earth, whereupon they rested for a time.
When the day was again fresh, Greg and Drew made entry into the halls of Sir Dan of Yore, wisest of loremasters. His lands are forever chill to the skin of men, and upon his throne they spied him wrapped about in many layers of cloth and raiment.
"Old friends, what brings you to far away lands in such dark times as these?" The voice of Dan seemed not his own, but as of one who has lost countless years to the unavailing cold of night.
"We come seeking your favour," answered Greg. "We seek counsel and aide." He bowed low and offered words of respect.
"Yes, I know. A great deal I have already seen in this matter, and yet more still there is that remains unknown to even those who know very much. I will aide you in your quest." Greg and Drew were comforted at receiving this news and their hearts were glad. Dan continued:
"But we three alone do not possess such mortal power and strength as shall be required to accomplish the task. Indeed, no man alone can slay this creature by swift blade or keen wit. We must seek good fortune in a man whose name is remembered by no one save the eldest, but who is called Brian in our speech."
"You speak wisdom and truth," declared Drew. "But few have seen or received word of Brian since this dark age began. His land is far and unreachable by foot or by sail."
"Then we must carry on with what strength we do have," said Greg. "What we lack in numbers we must make up for in skill and cunning."
They spoke no more of the matter but stayed in Dan's realm for a brief while, and when they were again of hearty mind and body they departed.
Far off in another land, the lore of which this tale does not concern, Drew rested upon his mighty throne and there sat, as one in thought, and did not move for many an hour. An open book lay upon his lap and, but for the gleam in his eye, he could have been mistaken for one who had fallen unwittingly to slumber. But he was not asleep, and he heard far off cries as of one in dire need of service, for hearty was the voice of Greg, and far did it travel in time of need.
Now with great haste he went to meet his ally of old at the entry of his realm. It seemed to Drew that Greg was clothed in a shadow of himself, stricken with madness at the sight of some horror unknown. Thus spoke Greg:
"Holy shit," said he, "there is a bat in the kitchen."
And Drew was troubled. Long he thought and spoke not a word, and ere the sun retired beyond the western horizon he broke his silence. "Let's get Dan!" he cried, and swiftly they rode beyond the wooded hills to the very ends of the earth, whereupon they rested for a time.
When the day was again fresh, Greg and Drew made entry into the halls of Sir Dan of Yore, wisest of loremasters. His lands are forever chill to the skin of men, and upon his throne they spied him wrapped about in many layers of cloth and raiment.
"Old friends, what brings you to far away lands in such dark times as these?" The voice of Dan seemed not his own, but as of one who has lost countless years to the unavailing cold of night.
"We come seeking your favour," answered Greg. "We seek counsel and aide." He bowed low and offered words of respect.
"Yes, I know. A great deal I have already seen in this matter, and yet more still there is that remains unknown to even those who know very much. I will aide you in your quest." Greg and Drew were comforted at receiving this news and their hearts were glad. Dan continued:
"But we three alone do not possess such mortal power and strength as shall be required to accomplish the task. Indeed, no man alone can slay this creature by swift blade or keen wit. We must seek good fortune in a man whose name is remembered by no one save the eldest, but who is called Brian in our speech."
"You speak wisdom and truth," declared Drew. "But few have seen or received word of Brian since this dark age began. His land is far and unreachable by foot or by sail."
"Then we must carry on with what strength we do have," said Greg. "What we lack in numbers we must make up for in skill and cunning."
They spoke no more of the matter but stayed in Dan's realm for a brief while, and when they were again of hearty mind and body they departed.
3. Of the Quest of Jonas
The journey across many lands unknown was long and difficult. The supply of food they had rationed for the trip diminished with each passing day. Little life there was, and less water. Occasionally a meal was made of root or blossom and the sap of a young tree not yet stained by the muddy, ageless skies.
"The lands are crying out," uttered Dan. "We are near to the creature." Indeed then, as if by fate, the woods about them grew silent. The air grew dense in anticipation. Nearby a bush rustled, disturbing the tense calm about the land.
"Show yourself, thing of evil, for you make enough sound that I should slay you swiftly with naught the sight of you!" cried Drew into the unavailing silence. There came a laughter, hearty and merry.
"You should be so lucky to have a swing at me at all." Out from behind a tree stepped Brian. The others surrounded him joyfully, and they embraced, and were comforted.
"What good fortune brings you hither into our travels, friend?" asked Dan.
"I have come by news of ill tidings in these parts," answered Brian. "They speak of a lingering darkness, one which circles round in the night, first high and then lower, until even the haughty man is stricken with fear, and he of lesser stature flees in shame."
"Your words ring true, for I have seen this thing with my own eyes." Greg seemed to diminish and his voice was but a whisper in the vastness of the desolate land.
"What hope have we in such dark times?" Drew wondered aloud. "Such devilry as this cannot be matched by mortal means. Perhaps we have come to the end of our days."
"You speak as one who is already defeated," declared Brian. "It is perhaps then because fear has clouded your judgement. Who indeed can withstand the might of this terrible bane? No man can contest its wicked strength, yet look not past strength in bonds of friendship forged long ago. You may find some courage unknown, some hope renewed. We go now not on any simple errand, but on a journey of pain and struggle. The despair of one shall be the doom of all; let he who doubts the power of Jonas go no further!"
At this, the Company set out into the deepening night with heavy hearts.
The journey across many lands unknown was long and difficult. The supply of food they had rationed for the trip diminished with each passing day. Little life there was, and less water. Occasionally a meal was made of root or blossom and the sap of a young tree not yet stained by the muddy, ageless skies.
"The lands are crying out," uttered Dan. "We are near to the creature." Indeed then, as if by fate, the woods about them grew silent. The air grew dense in anticipation. Nearby a bush rustled, disturbing the tense calm about the land.
"Show yourself, thing of evil, for you make enough sound that I should slay you swiftly with naught the sight of you!" cried Drew into the unavailing silence. There came a laughter, hearty and merry.
"You should be so lucky to have a swing at me at all." Out from behind a tree stepped Brian. The others surrounded him joyfully, and they embraced, and were comforted.
"What good fortune brings you hither into our travels, friend?" asked Dan.
"I have come by news of ill tidings in these parts," answered Brian. "They speak of a lingering darkness, one which circles round in the night, first high and then lower, until even the haughty man is stricken with fear, and he of lesser stature flees in shame."
"Your words ring true, for I have seen this thing with my own eyes." Greg seemed to diminish and his voice was but a whisper in the vastness of the desolate land.
"What hope have we in such dark times?" Drew wondered aloud. "Such devilry as this cannot be matched by mortal means. Perhaps we have come to the end of our days."
"You speak as one who is already defeated," declared Brian. "It is perhaps then because fear has clouded your judgement. Who indeed can withstand the might of this terrible bane? No man can contest its wicked strength, yet look not past strength in bonds of friendship forged long ago. You may find some courage unknown, some hope renewed. We go now not on any simple errand, but on a journey of pain and struggle. The despair of one shall be the doom of all; let he who doubts the power of Jonas go no further!"
At this, the Company set out into the deepening night with heavy hearts.
4. Of the Capture of the Beast
It was not long before all store of rations had been consumed. Exhaustion and fatigue caused much delay. "We must have a bit of a break," said Drew, "or I should not live to see the light of another day."
"To call this 'day' would seem a jest," replied Dan. Indeed the skies had grown ever darker as the days passed. The Company had taken to resting at any time, day or night, for day had become a shadow of doubt and night was illuminated in a glow of fear, so that the hours passed in an unrelenting cycle.
In a small clearing of grass surrounded by a field of twig and thatch, and near to a small pool of still water, they rested upon what blankets and cloth they had brought. There was little talk as each weary traveler drifted into uneasy slumber. The dark air creeped closer about them on all sides. They did not sleep long ere all were awoken in a startled fit. The wind was sighing in high whispers, rhythmically pulsing like the gentle droll of the sea. All were silent as the sound grew more intense, until it seemed to each that it came from within their very minds.
There came then a call, which reached out across the skies like deathly cold fingers. The festering beast took wing, and it appeared as though a veil had been drawn about the heavens. A great shadow rolled over the Party, and despair came upon them like a plague. They were quickly scattered as the bat darted among their camp. It reared its hideous muzzle and pierced their minds with merciless eyes.
Now separated by a shout's distance, each drew his weapon and swung blindly in fear at the enemy. Guided by some force unknown, Drew's worthy blade found its way deep into the flesh of the winged creature. The bat cried out in rage but did not halt in its course, borne upon the wind. The hilt of Drew's blade grew very hot then, and he cursed its name:
"O, cruel device! Such heat as I never have known! Such doom be the bane of the Moonpie!"
Dan spied Drew from nearby in his agony. "Drew, release your weapon!" he cried, but his words were of no use. Drew was crouched upon the ground, holding the blade to his chest. The smell of burning flesh permeated the air.
"No," he said slowly. "This blade is mine, and I will do with it as I please. I will wield it until the end of time, until all the earth is grown old and dead! I can never let it go!" His head lolled and his eyes clouded over; his voice continued wearily: "I can never understand...just why...just why we tried..."
On a sudden Greg appeared behind Drew and struck a blow to his forearm. The sword fell from Drew's burning hand and scorched the ground below. Brian kicked the fiery weapon into the shallow pool of water; a light smoke hung in the air. Drew looked about confused. "I am sorry," he said. "I was altogether not myself for a moment."
"Indeed you were not," replied Dan. "But now is not the time for explanations. The winged enemy returns!" Together they spun and faced the looming evil.
"Clearly we cannot hope to defeat this thing with even the sharpest blade, such as we have," spoke Brian. He stooped over his pack and removed from it a broad cloak. "Let each man take firm hold of one corner."
And so the bat raced towards them, cackling and screeching in a wretched tongue. Its fiery eyes pierced each of their minds, one by one, and cast into them visions of agony and death, but the men of Jonas held fast. When the bat was near, they raised up the cloak and, billowing in the wind, it cast a great shadow upon the bat. Swiftly they brought the corners round and drew them tight about the bat.
"Alas!" shouted Greg. "The deed is done." He held the cloak aloft and each man of Jonas tied about it a length of rope. "The earth shall have grown old indeed ere these bonds are broken."
They gathered what was left of their belongings scattered throughout the clearing and departed that dark realm.
It was not long before all store of rations had been consumed. Exhaustion and fatigue caused much delay. "We must have a bit of a break," said Drew, "or I should not live to see the light of another day."
"To call this 'day' would seem a jest," replied Dan. Indeed the skies had grown ever darker as the days passed. The Company had taken to resting at any time, day or night, for day had become a shadow of doubt and night was illuminated in a glow of fear, so that the hours passed in an unrelenting cycle.
In a small clearing of grass surrounded by a field of twig and thatch, and near to a small pool of still water, they rested upon what blankets and cloth they had brought. There was little talk as each weary traveler drifted into uneasy slumber. The dark air creeped closer about them on all sides. They did not sleep long ere all were awoken in a startled fit. The wind was sighing in high whispers, rhythmically pulsing like the gentle droll of the sea. All were silent as the sound grew more intense, until it seemed to each that it came from within their very minds.
There came then a call, which reached out across the skies like deathly cold fingers. The festering beast took wing, and it appeared as though a veil had been drawn about the heavens. A great shadow rolled over the Party, and despair came upon them like a plague. They were quickly scattered as the bat darted among their camp. It reared its hideous muzzle and pierced their minds with merciless eyes.
Now separated by a shout's distance, each drew his weapon and swung blindly in fear at the enemy. Guided by some force unknown, Drew's worthy blade found its way deep into the flesh of the winged creature. The bat cried out in rage but did not halt in its course, borne upon the wind. The hilt of Drew's blade grew very hot then, and he cursed its name:
"O, cruel device! Such heat as I never have known! Such doom be the bane of the Moonpie!"
Dan spied Drew from nearby in his agony. "Drew, release your weapon!" he cried, but his words were of no use. Drew was crouched upon the ground, holding the blade to his chest. The smell of burning flesh permeated the air.
"No," he said slowly. "This blade is mine, and I will do with it as I please. I will wield it until the end of time, until all the earth is grown old and dead! I can never let it go!" His head lolled and his eyes clouded over; his voice continued wearily: "I can never understand...just why...just why we tried..."
On a sudden Greg appeared behind Drew and struck a blow to his forearm. The sword fell from Drew's burning hand and scorched the ground below. Brian kicked the fiery weapon into the shallow pool of water; a light smoke hung in the air. Drew looked about confused. "I am sorry," he said. "I was altogether not myself for a moment."
"Indeed you were not," replied Dan. "But now is not the time for explanations. The winged enemy returns!" Together they spun and faced the looming evil.
"Clearly we cannot hope to defeat this thing with even the sharpest blade, such as we have," spoke Brian. He stooped over his pack and removed from it a broad cloak. "Let each man take firm hold of one corner."
And so the bat raced towards them, cackling and screeching in a wretched tongue. Its fiery eyes pierced each of their minds, one by one, and cast into them visions of agony and death, but the men of Jonas held fast. When the bat was near, they raised up the cloak and, billowing in the wind, it cast a great shadow upon the bat. Swiftly they brought the corners round and drew them tight about the bat.
"Alas!" shouted Greg. "The deed is done." He held the cloak aloft and each man of Jonas tied about it a length of rope. "The earth shall have grown old indeed ere these bonds are broken."
They gathered what was left of their belongings scattered throughout the clearing and departed that dark realm.
5. Of the Journey Home
The next day dawned fair and sweet. The pallid greys of winter were rolled back to reveal a joyous song of colour and light. High above the sun smiled upon all the lands, and a new season was begun. The men of Jonas walked at ease through fields and woods and pastures and hills. They came at last to the Realm of Jonas.
"O, fair Paddington!" cried Drew and he fell to his knees and wept. The House of Jonas stood tall and mighty, unsoiled by the chill of winter. They entered into the great halls and there came the sound of laughter and merrymaking; it was a feast, a celebration.
"Hark to the sounds of fair voices and singing, such as I have not heard for an age," said Brian as they walked. They were greeted by a large host of friends and neighbours, and such a multitude had never been gathered before nor was seen thereafter.
After many old friendships were revisited, all were seated round the table and enjoyed a great feast while the men of Jonas recounted their tale. Some of the youngest grew frightened yet listened on in curiosity. The day grew long and many bottles of the finest draught were emptied ere the story was told, and not the smallest detail was omitted.
"Alas that such dark times as these should befall us all," said one. "Ah, but for the strength of Jonas we should have been nothing but shadows in our fear," spoke another. A silence fell over the room.
"Then we shall drink to good health!" said Greg after a moment. A shout went up and many glasses were drained. The singing and laughter resumed again.
"It is quite a miracle that we are all of good health indeed!" shouted Dan, and there was another cheer. But Drew did not share in the excitement, though none was the wiser in all the commotion. He looked down at the palm of his hand and for a moment he felt again the pain of fire stretching across his skin. He looked up and saw that Dan had noticed. "Or at least, mostly good health," he said to Drew beneath the roar of the party.
"No, I do not suppose I shall ever be quite the same again," replied Drew. "I can still feel the terrible gaze of the bat from within when I close my eyes. But as much as things have changed, I believe there are some things that shall never change."
And in time the many visitors made their departure, and the House of Jonas carried on much the same as ever before. It was not long ere that realm was once again filled with the joyous sounds of a rocking band comprised of four alpha male specimens, the likes of which no woman has not swooned upon.
Here ends the Tale of the Bat.
The next day dawned fair and sweet. The pallid greys of winter were rolled back to reveal a joyous song of colour and light. High above the sun smiled upon all the lands, and a new season was begun. The men of Jonas walked at ease through fields and woods and pastures and hills. They came at last to the Realm of Jonas.
"O, fair Paddington!" cried Drew and he fell to his knees and wept. The House of Jonas stood tall and mighty, unsoiled by the chill of winter. They entered into the great halls and there came the sound of laughter and merrymaking; it was a feast, a celebration.
"Hark to the sounds of fair voices and singing, such as I have not heard for an age," said Brian as they walked. They were greeted by a large host of friends and neighbours, and such a multitude had never been gathered before nor was seen thereafter.
After many old friendships were revisited, all were seated round the table and enjoyed a great feast while the men of Jonas recounted their tale. Some of the youngest grew frightened yet listened on in curiosity. The day grew long and many bottles of the finest draught were emptied ere the story was told, and not the smallest detail was omitted.
"Alas that such dark times as these should befall us all," said one. "Ah, but for the strength of Jonas we should have been nothing but shadows in our fear," spoke another. A silence fell over the room.
"Then we shall drink to good health!" said Greg after a moment. A shout went up and many glasses were drained. The singing and laughter resumed again.
"It is quite a miracle that we are all of good health indeed!" shouted Dan, and there was another cheer. But Drew did not share in the excitement, though none was the wiser in all the commotion. He looked down at the palm of his hand and for a moment he felt again the pain of fire stretching across his skin. He looked up and saw that Dan had noticed. "Or at least, mostly good health," he said to Drew beneath the roar of the party.
"No, I do not suppose I shall ever be quite the same again," replied Drew. "I can still feel the terrible gaze of the bat from within when I close my eyes. But as much as things have changed, I believe there are some things that shall never change."
And in time the many visitors made their departure, and the House of Jonas carried on much the same as ever before. It was not long ere that realm was once again filled with the joyous sounds of a rocking band comprised of four alpha male specimens, the likes of which no woman has not swooned upon.
Here ends the Tale of the Bat.
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