A Sweeping Narrative on the Status of My Life:
A Character Study in Eight Acts
I. Songwriting
The last song I finished that I was truly happy with was "Externalization of an Inner Monologue". The story of how that song was written is kind of amusing; the entire thing was written in the car on the way from Muncie to Michigan City the evening before I left for that brief visit to North Dakota back in March. I mean everything; lyrics, melody, chord progression. I just started singing it, and I opened Virtuoso Piano on my iPod Touch to get a feel for what key I was in, then I got out my pocket notebook and wrote down the lyrics as they came to me as well as the Roman numerals of the chords, as I heard them in my head. It wasn't until several weeks later that I finally pulled out what I had written down and I just played the song, and there it was. After bombing it the first time I played it at an open mic (to be fair, I'd had a little too much to drink as well), I changed the key from F to D which made it both easier to sing and easier to play on guitar. I love the song and I haven't had a songwriting experience quite so sublime since I wrote "Speed Dial".
Since then I've noodled a bit, written page after page of lyric ideas, come up with some guitar parts, even have one or two songs that I could say are almost done, but nothing really seems to please me quite so thoroughly. I am getting a little hung-up with my tendency to overdo the whole love theme. A lot of my most popular songs (e.g. "Speed Dial") are unequivocally about love, so that's not a big deal, but as a songwriter I feel like there are other themes out there worth exploring; I just don't know exactly what I want to say or quite how to say it. That's a pretty big problem for a songwriter. I guess you'd call it writer's block. For now, I've got one song that I just finished writing at 3 a.m. last week that I briefly mentioned in a status update, and I'll probably get around to posting some sort of live basement recording of it when I find the motivation.
II. Performing
By now it's no secret that I've been playing open mics throughout Indy. I got this determined look on my face one night and just decided that it was time I embarked on my musical journey, and that for now my musical journey would consist of putting myself on a stage alone, somewhat awkwardly, and forcing myself to get reacquainted with that whole world. It's not often that I have played solo in the past, so it's taking some time to get adjusted. I find myself feeling nervous and rushing and making mistakes too often, so it's requiring some perseverance to be satisfied with my sound. It has been a very cool experience, meeting a plethora of different people. Alas, sometimes I will play four open mics in one week and get burned out on it and then play one or none the following week. Also I find myself vacillating between liking my material and hating it. I hear other guitarists and singers who impress me, and I go "wait, is my stuff even any good?" Thinking like that is probably dangerous and not very productive.
Some of you may be wondering why I haven't talked about this more, or why I haven't made it known beforehand online where I'll be playing, and the answer is kind of complicated and maybe a little weird. It's not that I wouldn't love to see you out there if you came; in fact, anyone is always invited. I mean that. It's more of a matter of consciously denying myself that security blanket of having an army of friends cheering me on from the crowd by default. Keep in mind several things. One, it's somewhat spontaneous; sometimes I don't even know until that evening where and when I'll go play. Two, I am more likely to meet new people, because I'm alone and awkward and forced to say hi to people. Three, no one I'm sitting with has to feel obligated to tell me it was great even if it wasn't that great. Four, and maybe this is mistaken, but I feel kind of cheap trying twist the arms of friends to come watch me play. I mean, I figure if people want to watch me play, they will do so of their own accord. If none of this makes any sense, just know that it's nothing personal. It's not you, it's me.
III. Jazz
Unfortunately, with playing all these open mics in the last month, I really haven't spent any time on jazz. This isn't necessarily to my liking, but it's the truth. I'm not done with jazz, by any means. Discovering how much I truly love it had an enormous impact on my musical health, and that's not going anywhere. I need to find a way to reincorporate it into my daily life so I can continue making progress. A friend of mine recently let me borrow Wes Montgomery Live in '65. I haven't watched it yet, but it's sitting directly beside me, and I'm really looking forward to it. Every time I hear him play, my brain just goes all asplodey.
I've considered bringing my guitar and amp to an open mic and running through some of the very limited, very beginner stuff I've learned so far. But I just can't convince myself that it's a good idea yet. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right; I don't want to embarrass myself. Jazz has slightly higher standards (no pun intended) than the usual singer/songwriter junk, where it's okay to jangle some G, C & D and let fly with some whiny melodies.
IV. Studio
I've had the pleasure of working two sessions at Queensize Studios since I've been back in Indy. It has been a real treat, and it seems to fill the void that I perceived for so long. It's refreshing to be back in a studio environment, and one that just so happens to have a pretty good reputation for being a great place to go make a record. I haven't really talked this up much online, because it's the kind of thing I didn't want to get bugged about by two dozen people in the event that it fell through, but it hasn't fallen through yet and so far it's bringing me a new level of musical happiness and creative satisfaction.
As a side note, I've mentioned this in conversation with family and very close friends, but I hadn't really discussed it publicly: being highly recommended by my former studio manager down at Echo Park in Bloomington was a seriously validating feeling. It did a hell of a lot to give me a renewed sense of confidence and inspiration. It's entirely possible that I might not even be sitting here today writing this blog if he hadn't done so. That sounded really grim and morbid; I just meant I might not have come back to Indy, and I might not have some or all of this renewed vigor, and I might not even be pursuing music as diligently as I have been. It actually changed my life for the better, combined with the trip to North Dakota, and helped me put into better focus the picture of who I want to be.
V. Love
Nothing to see here. There's really only one person I have felt attracted to since returning to Indy, and I discovered shortly thereafter that she's dating a guy in a band that I am somewhat fond of. I'm not touching that with a 10-foot pole.
When I first got here, I was like "no way, I'm not dating anyone, eff that" because I wanted to devote myself fully to the various pursuits I'm currently engaged in, and they are many in number. But as the days pass, and spring is in bloom, I find myself ensnared by that old wistful feeling. Just last night I walked to a church a few blocks away where I like to lay down on this bit of cement by the stairs that is at just the right combination of angles to be kind of like a recliner; and I was listening to music and watching the stars and there was a moment when I thought to myself how lovely it would be if I had a lovely person to share the experience with. And then the moment passed. I don't really plan to act on it. If anything should come my way, then so be it, but for now I'm just going to continue to fly straight and try to stay productive. (How paradoxical that, as I write that statement, I'm having one of the most unproductive days since I've been here; I mean, that's part of the entire reason I'm even writing this disgustingly long entry.)
VI. Kitties!
Two of my friends (who happen to be dating) have a cat named Rocky, who is a bit less than a year old, by my estimation. This is a fantastic cat. He loves to play outside, like any kitten, but he also spends plenty of time sleeping inside and just being a cuddly little friend in general. That's my kind of cat. Every time I see him, I get all wistful and nostalgic for Fiona. I miss that little kitten. I really came to love it in only a matter of weeks. It was a special bond, but I guess you'll have that when raising a kitten that's only two or three weeks old. I looked at some pictures of her on Facebook yesterday and got kind of sad. I remember walking into the room after having been gone for some time, and she would waddle over as fast as she could on her flat back paws (it took her a few weeks to bend that joint and walk correctly), so excited to see me! Then there was bath time, which usually happened every time I tried to wean her onto solid food, and the resultant nap spent rolled up in my shirt to stay warm: too adorable for words.
I would maybe like to get another kitten someday, but now just doesn't feel like the right time. Granted, it wasn't the right time when I got Fiona, too; but look how that all turned out.
VII. Biking
I need a bicycle. I haven't ridden since October of last year when I used to ride six miles a day, and I miss it. The weather is so gorgeous out, it's the perfect time to be riding. I usually walk a mile or two each day, just around the neighborhood, to clear my head a little when it gets kind of cluttered in there. But I want to get another bike. If you see a decent, street-ready bike on the cheapsies, let me know; otherwise I'm going to hold out for a nice touring bike. I've got plans for trips I'd like to take someday...
Oh, you wonder what those plans entail? Sorry, that's an entry for another day, as I'm not really discussing it publicly. A small handful of people (four or five) know about it, but until I feel like it might actually happen, I'm not really talking about it.
VIII. Sleep
I know there's a phrase about burning the candle from both ends, but sometimes I feel like there are also other ends that don't get talked about, and I'm burning my candle from those ends as well. Or maybe the candle was just put in an oven. Yes, I am baking my candle.
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