Caffibacco

He looked me in the eye.

"I don't have any vices," he said, exhaling smoke.

"I know," I said.

We both slurped noisily from hot mugs of coffee.

This isn't meant to a completed work of sheer wonder. It just popped into my head because it's something that actually happened.

On the correct use of 'literally'

Let's talk for a bit about the word 'literally'. It's an adverbial form of the adjective 'literal'. Before we delve into literally, let's talk about literal. Forgoing the cliched inlusion of a textbook definition copy/pasted from any number of dictionary-esque websites, suffice it to say that literal means 'true to the meaning of words'. The opposite would be figurative, in which words have secondary meanings that may or may not be easily understood. From this definition of literal, we can then define literally as 'being used in a strict sense without exaggeration'.

The use of literally, however, has evolved in modern times with a sense of adding great intensity to a statement. I would like to narrow it down and say that literally, when used in such a way, means precisely the following: the statement, though seemingly exaggerated, is completely true. The problem recently is that two incorrect uses have begun to crop up, one of which directly contradicts the meaning of the word; the other is merely redundant and unnecessary.

Problem #1: Directly contradicts the meaning of the word.

"I'm so hungry, my stomach is literally eating itself." "She broke his heart. He was literally crushed." Today is hot; it's literally a thousand degrees outside."

The problem with using literally in this way is that none of it is literal at all. Literal would mean that the stomach has, in fact, eaten itself and no longer remains, or that the body was actually demolished, or that the thermometer reads one thousand degrees. None of these is true. They are not literal, they are figurative.

Problem #2: Redundant, unnecessary.

"In 1492 Columbus literally sailed across the ocean."

Obviously the problem here is that the statement is clearly fact and there has been absolutely no exaggeration. It is not important to remind the reader/listener of the truth of the statement. If we would find it difficult to believe that someone could sail across the ocean, or if we were led to believe that the entire ocean was not sailed, then literally would perhaps be used as a reminder of the validity of the statement, or against claims of exaggeration. As it is, it's just completely useless.

Words evolve and change, it's true. But using a word that is still in common usage in a completely opposite manner is debilitating to language. If you ask me how I feel and I say "terrible" would you be concerned? But what if I meant 'great' when I said 'terrible'? Would you be confused? How about the next time you ask me and I say "great"? Does that now mean 'terrible' or does it still mean 'great'? We should probably agree on what the words mean and then stick to it, so we are able to understand each other better next time.

Thanks for reading. Have an awful day.

No pun intended

Use of the phrase 'no pun intended' is typically reserved for specific instances in which a pun has been made, whether intentionally or unintentionally. It is quite clear to the listener (or reader) that the pun is there and any sort of comical results are, by this point, unavoidable. It is hereby encouraged that orators and writers begin use of the phrase 'no pun intended' at specific times when no pun has been made whatsoever. A few good examples of this updated manner of use in everyday conversation might be:

"Did you hear about the rabbi who bought a used Mercedes Benz? He got leather upholstered seats. No pun intended."

"I don't know why Sarah took her dog back to the pet store; it was a perfectly good terrier. No pun intended."

"What great weather we have today, it didn't snow or rain. No pun intended."

This will be a welcome assurance for the audience, who can easily be confused by the presence of both the pun itself and the words 'no pun intended.' Immediate and thorough adoption of this new method is suggested for all communicators, both of word and voice. A streamlined and easily understandable conversation is a good conversation, no pun intended.

Ben Folds

from Rock Music Review (www.rockmusicreview.com)

Ben Folds (website / MySpace)
Songs for Silverman (2005)
Reviewed by Andrew Malott (link)

It’s evident from the first verse of the first song on Songs for Silverman that Ben Folds has grown up. As the follow-up to Rockin’ the Suburbs in 2001, Silverman feels like a letter from an old friend who has been gone for several years and has come back with a few gray hairs. Nearly 40 and married with two children, Folds has some new things to think about, and this comes through in his lyrics. That’s certainly not to say that his lyrics were previously immature or juvenile, but there was often an element of tongue-in-cheek humor that pervaded many of his songs. He usually struck a balance between irreverent and meaningful, but that adolescent spunk is absent here. Younger listeners may be turned away, but older fans of Ben Folds may like it just fine.

While the band does have a few opportunities to really rock out together, on the whole it sounds quite reserved. The familiar rhythm section of piano, drums, and bass is still intact and mostly unchanged throughout the majority of the album; there is a cello here and a guitar there, but they are few and far between. Compared to the highly produced Suburbs, complete with synthesizers, electric guitars, and harmony abound, Silverman feels stripped down. This is no doubt intentional as a production decision, to reflect the more introspective nature of the album and let the songwriting take center stage, but as a result the album is a little more low-key than past offerings. This feeling is only furthered by Folds’ singing, which sometimes sounds tired and weary, instead of bursting out of the speakers with life.

In the first track, “Bastard,” Folds evokes the cynicism of an old man. Although the lyrics are entirely in the third person, it seems as though he is singing about himself. Marked by interesting meter changes, this song stands out as the longest and most varied of the album. Following this is “You to Thank,” which has great lyrics and an incredible jazzy piano solo at the bridge that will perk the ears of seasoned fans. Unfortunately, it lacks a strong, memorable chorus to complement Folds' piano mastery. He returns to the cynical theme later in the album in “Sentimental Guy.” The swaggering, swung rhythm and beautifully dissonant chords of the chorus are very charming, and this simple song manages to work.

“Landed,” released as a single in February, is a combination of the best of Folds’ talents at this stage in his life. The chords are beautiful, the melody is memorable, and the lyrics are touching; it’s one of the best tracks on the album. “Give Judy My Notice,” a candidate for another radio single, is a reworking of a song from Folds’ 2003 EP Speed Graphic, this time with drums, bass, and a bit of slide guitar. Unfortunately, this remake pales deeply in comparison to its predecessor and any fan of Ben Folds is strongly urged to listen to a copy of Speed Graphic to hear the song at its finest.

“Jesusland” is Folds at his sharpest as he takes shots at urban America. This isn’t a far cry lyrically from his live show favorite “All U Can Eat,” from the Sunny 16 EP, although here he addresses the subject with a bit more class.

More touching and meaningful than any other song on the album is “Late,” a tribute to the late singer/songwriter Elliott Smith. It gives “Landed” a run for its money as best song on the album.

Ben Folds has earned a reputation for making the music he wants to make when he wants to make it, and Songs for Silverman is certainly no exception. Eschewing past formulas for success, Folds has chosen to write songs about the things he cares about, not what he cared about ten years ago. Nothing on the album is actually anything less than good, but taken in the context of Ben Folds’ decade-long history, it’s hard to measure up.

7.5 / 10

The difficulty of acquiring my morning grits

Dear Producers and Distributors of Edible Goods,

Please stop making your products so damn hard to open. You know the bag that resides snugly within the cardboard carapace of the cereal box? You don't need to seal that off with cement. Any standard grade adhesive will do. If I am forced to resort to the use of serated cutting utensils, then you've outdone yourselves.